Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What does BDSM mean?
The abbreviation BDSM was coined and recorded in 1990-95 by blending the letters B&D (Bondage and Discipline), D&S (Dominance and Submission), and S&M (Sadism and Masochism).
The meaning of BDSM is much profound than breaking down the abbreviation into simple terminologies. Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism are not just sexual terms. Rather BDSM is a lifestyle choice comprising various sexual activities and erotic practices. It is an expression of one's uniqueness of their sexuality.
In brief, BDSM means physical, psychological, and sexual power-role-play with consensual participants to push and overcome sexual limitations and have an epic sex life.
It entails an exchange of sexual prowess through dominance and submission. People involved in this process have different sexual preferences and exhibit different levels of erotic and aggressive behaviors.
BDSM also means erotic pleasure derived from roleplay, dominance, and submission. The whole idea behind this concept is that participants derive pleasure by commanding physical control, psychological domination, and inflicting pain.
A prevalent misconception is that it is associated with general sadism and all about pain. Sure, some like pretty aggressive or passionate sexual acts, but that's not all that BDSM is. In reality, it is rooted in power play, and pleasure. It can be fun, artistic, and also satisfying. BDSM is about augmenting your sexual experiences. In a healthy BDSM relationship, partners set their boundaries and focus on pleasing each other.
A lot of kinky dynamics, fetishes, eccentric sexual practices and erotic behavior fall under the BDSM umbrella. However, sometimes it doesn't involve sex at all. For instance, just the act of bondage or dominance can turn on and pleasure a person, making sexual penetration non-essential.
BDSM transcends the pleasure from the physical to the psychological aspect. They add new and exciting dimensions like blindfolds, masks, roleplay, whips, chains, leather ensembles, etc., to the age-old lovemaking. This erotic experiment adds a psychological layer and sparks different feelings and sensations, heightening the pleasure to another level.
When the parties involved agree upon a specific time to indulge in a sexual/erotic act, that particular time is called a “play,” a “scene,” or a “session.” A significant factor when carrying out BDSM is consent, as it involves pain, physical control, and suppression.
The foundation of this concept is satisfying your partner's needs, pleasuring them, and clear communication to convey that each of you is doing well. It's vital that partners are comfortable with each other, share sexual interests and mindsets, have a deep understanding, know the intentions, respect the boundaries, and feel safe and cared for in the relationship. It is about pushing your sexual limits, not surpassing them.
How can I introduce BDSM into my relationship?
Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy and other interesting BDSM movies have created quite a hype about BDSM amongst the public. Though BDSM is not a novel concept, this particular lifestyle has garnered much publicity lately. Singles and couples are curious to try it out. But most often, they are clueless about where and how to begin.
All those eager to explore their shades of grey and sexuality must take things easy. Don't nosedive into the BDSM ocean. It's too wide and deep. Wet your feet, test the water, and see if you are comfortable with the sexual practices and erotic behavior that it entails.
According to sex educators, BDSM can add multiple flavors to your otherwise vanilla relationship. Introducing it in a relationship is a good idea. However, the foremost requirement is to have both parties' mutual trust and consent to indulge in it.
You can introduce BDSM into your relationship by taking one step at a time:
- The first thing you must do is believe kink/BDSM is perfectly healthy and a safe way to satisfy your sexual desires. Wrap your head around the idea, and do not be overwhelmed about wanting to experience BDSM. You can genuinely enjoy it only if you remove the embarrassment attached to it in your mind.
- The next thing is to do your research. It helps remove the stigma attached to BDSM. Attend informative sessions on BDSM tube, join a BDSM chat room, read extensively about it (start with BDSM erotic fiction), get in touch with people having experience of this lifestyle and sexual practices, listen to podcasts. Gather as much information as you can.
- Bring up the subject of trying out BDSM with your partner. You can show them a video and tell them how eager you are to try it out. Or you can have a conversation about your feelings about kinky sex. This open communication helps build intimacy and trust between partners, whether or not, they agree to venture into the arena of pain and pleasure that BDSM offers.
- Before introducing BDSM into the bedroom and starting your sexual explorations, start dirty talking. Take baby steps and explore kink with satin laces, masks, blindfolds, simple wrist cuffs, erotic spanking, sexy lingerie before you explore it more intensely.
- Before heading to more aggressive sexual acts to heighten the sensation and pleasure, it's essential to learn the skills of kinky sex. BDSM is a great sexual adventure, and just like any other sport, you need the training to gear up for the hard stuff. Learn the basics and get trained before you move forward and embrace the enticing BDSM lifestyle.
You may wonder why BDSM when you are doing just fine with your simple, no-frills sex life. It brings excitement, thrill, and novelty to the relationship. BDSM is all about discovering new things about yourself and your partner. You push your boundaries to have better experiences, empower the dormant facets of your personality, strengthen the trust between the partners, and learn to share, express, and feel new things.
How to find a BDSM partner?
The whole idea of BDSM and kinky sex has changed in recent years. It has become more acceptable and mainstream. More people interested in this lifestyle are coming out, and the community is only growing larger each day. Unlike the olden days, you have a lot of options today. All you need to know is where to look.
Here is a guide to find your perfect BDSM partner:
- Join FetLife. It is a social networking site for kinksters. It has over five million users and serves as a one-stop solution for all your queries.
- Online BDSM dating sites are a great place to find a potential partner. You can narrow down your search according to your specific preferences and find the most compatible match in the nearest locality. The list of best kinky dating sites is given above. Explore different sites to look for a kinky partner online.
- You can also try mainstream dating sites. Some of these sites have a category option for BDSM. The suggested matches are made following your preferences and choices you selected.
- We live in a digital world, but spending all your time behind the screen to find a perfect kinky partner for yourself won't get you anywhere. You have to get out and meet people. As per research, the best way to find a partner is to meet people in person. If you wonder where to look for kinky people offline, you can try kinky events.
- Kinky events – These events are a great place to find a kinky partner. Whether or not you find the one for you at such an event, you most definitely foster friendship during such events. These friends can set you up with their other kinky friends.
- Munches – A munch is a gathering of kinky people held at a restaurant, bar, or a casual venue. The focus of such meetings is on social interactions. Attendees have many chances to talk to people, get to know them, learn new things, and find other such events.
- Kink Clubs and play parties – Just like you pick up a date at a club or play party in vanilla dating, finding a BDSM date has the same scenes. There are dedicated clubs for kinky people where you meet like-minded people and form connections.
- Gay and Lesbian bars – If you identify as homosexual searching for a kinky partner, this is the place for you.
Lastly, if you don't wish to attend any BDSM specific events, go to a place you enjoy. It increases the odds of finding someone compatible with you.
Will I hurt my partner in a BDSM relationship?
No. You may not hurt your partner if you take care of the fundamental principle of the BDSM relationship. The basic principle of BDSM is to perform with the informed consent of both the parties. The sexual activities should be safe, partners should be of sound mind, and there should be mutual consent.
The whole premise of a BDSM sexual lifestyle is that pain and pleasure go hand in hand. As the philosopher Edmund Burke once said, “the sensation of pleasure derived from pain is sublime.”
It is challenging to define safe when sensual experiences, such as pinching; biting; scratching with fingernails; erotic spanking, electrostimulation, the use of crops, whips, liquid wax, ice cubes, fixation by handcuffs, ropes, or chains may occur. No activity is truly safe, as each of them has a different level of risk. Indulging in such acts may cause pain, but if taken care of and communicated well between the parties, it won't hurt or cause injuries to the parties involved.
BDSM play is structured so that consenting partners can withdraw their consent at any point during the scene. Before getting into the action, partners need to agree upon a safe word. A safe word/safe symbol is a way to indicate your partner to stop or an outright withdrawal of consent. Any action should come to a screeching halt on uttering the safe word. You may hurt your partner if you fail to honor the safe word. Dishonoring the safe word is also considered as serious misconduct or crime as per law.
BDSM is a blend of pain, pleasure, and power play. It's natural to be scared about hurting the partner while exploring your sexual limit. To avoid hurting your partner, the parties involved must discuss the boundaries, communicate what and how you feel, discuss what's acceptable to both the partners, trust each other, and not transgress the limits discussed and negotiated. If these things are taken care of, you may not cause any damage to your partner.
Do dominants really love and care for their submissive?
BDSM is a two -way street relationship, where dominants are likely to take control, lead and be assertive while the submissive surrenders themselves and follows their doms.
The answer to this question can't be in black and white. It depends on the parties involved. BDSM partners share different types of relationships. And it depends on the kind of relationship the partners share.
Married couples indulging in BDSM have love and care in their relationship. The same holds for other committed couples. While the area is still grey for the partners who indulge in BDSM for the pleasure and satisfaction they derive out the kinky sexual acts. They may or may not love and care for each other.
Some dominants really love and care for their submissive; some don't. However, the crucial part of a BDSM relationship is trust, consent, respecting the boundaries, and open communication.
